[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When someone trying to leave me
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE