[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.