me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers