What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes