Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
live long and prosper!