Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Always the camel, never the toe.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.