Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*Seductively hides in the woods
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.