“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us