WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Buck naked
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
You’ll be OK
Employees must applaud the planets.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.