Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
The Joker was right
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.