girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?