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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.