If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Getting married soon just need a spouse
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
plums roundup
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.