what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Why I divorced her.