Why I divorced her.
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
New mindset, who dis?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
just left a huge legacy in there
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING