[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The Friday File.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
when someone compliments me
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.