I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*