My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Stop it! 😂
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.