Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft