Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“A little help here, Danny?”
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I don’t think my car can fly
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.