Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice