ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
step 6: release the wall snake
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?