Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
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The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Lol
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle