Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
not to brag, but mine was free
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*3.5 thank you very much.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.