Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.