My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Simple
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.