Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.