Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 馃ザ
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: I can鈥檛 come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don鈥檛 intervene. I鈥檝e got this.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There鈥檚 evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can鈥檛 go in the microwave.
How鈥檚 your day
Romance isn鈥檛 dead it鈥檚 just playing happily on a farm up north.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I鈥檇 be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Your house doesn鈥檛 have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred