did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
How about daylight saves us for once
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
technically true but not a great slogan
so i’m at the stock market right
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Great acting.. 😂
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory