@Inconsteveable

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

@NikiWithIssues

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

@EWWWYUCKY

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

@ColoradoUgly

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@theDUDE___

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.