I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.