me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.