Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.