Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed