Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
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Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office