Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Brands during Pride
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore