{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Pretty much! 😂👀
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!