Pretty much! 😂👀
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I think this cat is broken
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
How to find Kentucky on a map
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
lmao
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)