if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”