Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Not today.. 😂
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]