Not today.. 😂
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*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
That eye roll….
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]