WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.