Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me