Goat cheese is for herders.
You Might Also Like
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?