*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon