Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh