Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
