Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them