It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you