Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Room with a view.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.