*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over