He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Name another movie that mislead you?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.