I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Kidney stones? Hard pass
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.