My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]